A lot of you may have noticed, and by “a lot of you” I mean my Mom and like the 2 other people who used to read this blog, that I have not written in a looooooong time. I mean, not really written. Nothing of significance in any case. It was difficult to pinpoint why I stopped at first, although now it seems easy. It just stopped being fun. I just felt constantly outraged and I became just another outraged voice screaming into the void and the internet had become kind of a shitty place to be. I’m certainly not saying that in the intervening years the internet has become any less shitty, if anything it has gotten, just so much worse. What I am saying, however, is that I cannot let that stop me from doing something from which I derive even the smallest amount of joy. Five or so years ago it seemed that I certainly had a lot to say; there was absolutely no shortage of shit to write about and comment upon ad nauseam, but the thing was that doing that was not making me a happy person. There are plenty of people out there for whom commenting on current events or talking about the miserable state of our country, our democracy, or our society is…I don’t know, fun, I guess, or at least not enervating to an unhealthy degree but those are not things I think I really want to write about, so I just stopped. I stopped writing but I never really stopped writing, not in my head anyway, but it turns out my head is quickly running out of storage space so here I am.
What I had to figure out was that while I have a lot of opinions about shit like politics or government or late-stage capitalism those were not the stories I wanted to tell. I didn’t want to fight with strangers on the internet to get my opinions heard or validated in some way amongst all the other strangers fighting on the internet. I want to tell stories about bunnies or unicorns, or some crazy-ass shit my weird kids (yes, kids plural, because I made another magnificent human in the last 4 years) said, or otters I photoshopped to look like 19th century German statesmen, or getting drunk and trying to steal a horse’s tail, or getting drunk and buying a live octopus from the Asian market and trying to teach it how to predict the future, or getting drunk off hallucinagenic homemade cider and talking to a squirrel in my front yard for 20 minutes about how “Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life” was kind of a disappointment….shit maybe I need to quit drinking….nah! I realized that I just want to make people laugh, and if I can make them think or be a bit more empathetic too, that’d be cool, but if not, that’s also cool. I don’t want to teach anyone anything, especially if they’re unwilling to learn, and let’s face it, most people on the internet don’t wanna learn shit. I just want to tell dumb stories and have a good time doing it, even if I am forever plagued by a rain of dead mice, even if no one reads my stories besides my Mom or my husband, because I am, at my core, a writer, albeit a writer of fairly stupid and ridiculous stories, but I’ve not yet run out of stupid, ridiculous stories to tell, so until that day comes….y’all are just going to have to bear with me.
For those of you playing The Official Biblio Diva Drinking GameTM at home, I believe I promised some two years ago or so that I would, at some vaguely laid out future time, post the official rules, but the truth is I got drunk and forgot to do that so here they are along with the count for today’s entry:
1. Drink whenever I start a sentence with the word “So”
2. Drink whenever I write an overly long and overly expository parentheses
3. Drink whenever you see an ellipses (e.g. “…”) and no, that one doesn’t count you bunch of goddamn winos
4. Triple exclamation point, ya drink!!! This one counts! What can I say; I WORSHIP CHAOS!!! That one too!
5. “XOXO” means you drink Motherfuckers!!!
6. Every time I use the word “Motherfucker” you drink
7. Every time I use a
strikethrough you drink
8. You must drink anytime I call out spell check for being a trifling-ass bitch
So the official count for today’s post is (drumroll, please)…10 Drinks!!! Oh wait, now it’s 11. We’ll stop there because I don’t want to be responsible for anyone blacking out and making a bunch of irresponsible Amazon purchases from their Alexa because after 11 shots of Tequila ordering a sequins pillow with Nicholas Cage’s face on it my seem like a good idea but in the harsh light of day….nope, still a totally solid purchase, drunk shop on my friends!