I had a Pinterest Wedding….

….and I totally survived. And kind of pulled it off!

Okay, first of all watch this…because I have writer’s block or more appropriately I have writer’s boulder. A boulder that is comprised of mtihril and adamantium. And this video, from those geniuses, Kristen and Jen at imomsohard, kind of takes up a little bit of space on the page and is a fairly accurate representation of my love-hate relationship with Pinterest.

This was supposed to be an embedded video but Facebook is busy eating a bunch of dicks and making my life difficult. In any case if you click on this link, you’ll get to where you need to go…just don’t forget to come back. XOXO

If you have been hanging around here for a while you may beware of the views that I have expressed in the past regarding Pinterest. They have been…unkind. Call me crazy (because why not? I pretty much am) but I don’t think you need to spend $800.00 on craft supplies and 72 man hours of labor to throw your 2 year-old a birthday party…THAT THEY WON’T EVEN REMEMBER! Are you really gonna go through those pictures with your child when they’re in their twenties and explain to them that you loved them so much that you spent three weeks, sleeping only 4 hours each night so that they could have a handmade, hand-dyed, locally sourced, free-range, artisanal unicorn pinata filled with homemade, certified organic, cruelty-free chocolate candies, individually wrapped in compostable rice paper of which you had to make 17 batches before you got the recipe to mold properly? Because if you are going to do that chances are your now twenty-three year-old child probably stopped talking to you 5 years ago and has already moved far, far away from you and may god have mercy on your soul.

But why Pinterest is awful is not why I’m here today, shockingly enough. I wanted to talk about why it’s kind of awesome and sometimes even a lifesaver! Last year, when my now Husband proposed, like many brides-to-be the first thing I did was make a Pinterest board, titled “Holy Crap! I’m Getting Married!!!” so that I might try to keep track of and catalog all the things about which people expected me to have an opinion. And I was expected to have an opinion about EVERYTHING including shit that I had no idea even existed or least of all mattered! People wanted to know dates, colors, theme and I’m like “theme?” I thought the theme of wedding was that it was a fucking wedding! It pretty much comes with its own built-in theme!

But no, people have Disney weddings and 1940s weddings, and superhero weddings and Dr. Who weddings and Star Wars weddings and Pokemon weddings (yes, two people who loved Pokemon enough to have a Pokemon themed wedding have actually found one another and are old enough to legally marry one another without thinking that it’s icky…that has happened, just ask the internet) and Legend of Zelda weddings, Steampunk weddings, Harry Potter weddings, even Walking Dead weddings. These are all things that adults choose to do with their life. I’m not saying I am too cool for fandoms, and little bits and pieces of our own fandoms did make cameo appearances at our wedding, but we chose to just stick with “wedding” as the general theme for the our wedding. And I am pretty sure we saved a ton of money by not having a Star Wars/Avengers/Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Indiana Jones themed wedding cake specially commissioned for the occasion.

As a matter of fact, thanks to Pinterest, we did not have a wedding cake at all, we had wedding Cannoli! And it was excellent, inexpensive and actually got eaten unlike most wedding cakes which are obscenely expensive and crafted largely to look good and don’t really taste that great. And that sort of sums up my feeling about wedding planning in general; I’m not about to do something just because that’s the way it’s always been done. I’m going to do something because it’s cheap, easy and seemingly practical because I am incredibly lazy and incredibly poor.

That being said I also found Pinterest very helpful because I did not have to remember anything or explain things to people. People would start asking me things like what I was going to do with my hair and usually my words would start to fail me, mostly due to the insanity creeping up on me because I was getting married in a matter of weeks but sometimes, admittedly, due to the fact that my mouth was full of Lucky Charms, and instead of having to respond to them with a coherent description using not-made-up vocabulary like a normal adult would have, I was able to just pull a picture up on my phone and shove it in their face. It worked like a motherfucking charm! And seriously, how does my spell check not have “motherfucking” in its dictionary by now? I swear to actual god!

I never thought I’d actually say this but, in this case, Pinterest was kind of a life saver. It was there when I needed cheap or free decorating ideas, inspiration for what to do with all those damn mason jars and white Christmas lights my Mom kept buying, and there when I needed to figure out what to do with my unimpressive hair whence it was given over to an actual professional stylist (who, by the way, worked miracles, that’s Christine at 1630 Hair Artisans in Renton and I am not just giving her a plug because she stood up with me, I’m doing it because she did an amazing job on my hair and my makeup and she deserves it, also she’s super nice, like a My Little Pony, but not Rainbow Dash…Christine is like Fluttershy). Because I had Pinterest to catalogue my thoughts, my thoughts seemed less like incoherent nonsense and just a little bit more like coherent sense which is what I need everyday….obviously you knew that if you made it this far into this post.

Someone should totally invent an app that makes me less crazy and totally capable of doing things like waking up to my first alarm , keeping the bathroom clean and the sink empty of dishes, folding the laundry, and not drinking too many margaritas and gorging myself on empanadas. I want my best people on this shit, right away!

This post was supposed to have a bunch of side-by-side photographic examples of all the Pinterest-y (I could literally not bring myself to use the word “Pinteresting”) ideas that were actually employed at my wedding but, let’s be honest, that’s something you might expect from someone who has a modicum of their shit together. And we all know, that ain’t me. Love you guys! Thanks for hanging out and wasting some time with me! XOXO

And just for shits and giggles, here are a couple pics from the wedding:

I am not sure how Josh ended up wearing two different hats and just so we’re clear, no one got around to taking a picture of the cannoli before it started to get eaten so in that picture it is in a state of actively being devoured. It was fucking delicious!

P.S. Also, I would like to formally request that people who have never played Scrabble in their life stop making cutesy wedding crafts out of Scrabble tiles, it’s insulting to the real nerds, it’s nerd-cultural appropriation and it needs to stop, thank you.

 

54 Times Comics Were Totally Inappropriate

I have to do something…to say something, anything, just so that my not saying anything doesn’t go on for any longer. I miss saying things. I miss having something to say. I miss feeling like it was okay for me to say those somethings. I miss all of you. I miss me. I will find me, soon with any luck, and I will be back. XOXO

In the meantime here’s this:

54 Times Comics Were Totally Inappropes, Dog!

dazzler

That time Dazzler showed off her talents just a little too well.

jughead-the-butch

That time that “something” happened to Jughead. But on the plus side he appears to be getting a reach-around.

take-me-down-to-gay-city

That time that Superman went on holiday to that place he’d been hearing SO much about from Jimmy Olsen. Sorry Jimmy.

that-time-that-batgirl-made-clayface-splooge

That time that Batgirl made Clayface Slpooge all over himself.

that-time-that-batman-came-up-with-the-perfect-excuse-for-just-sitting-around-looking-at-gay-porn

That time that Batman came up with the perfect excuse for just sitting around looking at gay porn.

that-time-bruce-wayne-was-not-entirely-honest-about-his-relationship-with-superman

That time that Bruce Wayne was not entirely honest about his relationship with Superman.

aunt-may-jizz

That time that Peter Parker jizzed all over and Aunt May tried to clean it up.

that-time-lois-lane-was-clearly-sodomized-by-a-robot

That time that Lois Lane was clearly sodomized by a robot.

that-time-batgirl-and-robin-had-some-big-weekend-plans

That time that Robin and Batgirl had some big weekend plans. #orgy

that-time-that-ben-wanted-to-destroy-his-weiner

That time that Ben Grimm was really, really, really hard on his wiener.

that-time-that-captain-america-got-his-junk-fondled-by-a-disembodied-hand-coming-out-of-a-cave

That time that Captain America had his junk fondled by a disembodied hand that emerged from a mysterious cave.

that-time-that-cheetah-got-a-little-too-frisky-with-wonder-woman-in-the-ladies-room

That time that Cheetah got a little too frisky with Wonder Woman in the ladies’ room.

that-time-the-joker-got-really-defensive-about-his-boner

That time that the Joker got super defensive about his boner.

that-time-that-wonder-womans-mom-contemplated-her-future-while-staring-creepily-at-a-big-lesbian-orgy

That time that Wonder Woman’s mom contemplated her future whilst staring creepily at a big lesbian orgy.

that-time-that-superman-was-a-little-too-close-to-his-naked-cousin

That time that someone really needed to teach Superman about the boundaries observed between cousins here on earth.

that-time-that-the-flash-just-fucking-needed-nuts-hunred-of-nuts

That time that the Flash just fucking NEEDED nuts….hundreds of them.

that-time-that-wonder-woman-got-stapped-to-a-giant-vibrator

That time that Wonder Woman was strapped to a giant vibrator.

time-that-batman-was-going-to-teach-robin-a-manly-lesson-in-his-batcave

That time that Batman was going to teach Robin a very manly lesson right in his Batcave.

the-time-that-superman-prematurely-ejaculated-all-over-everything

That time that Superman prematurely ejaculated all over EVERYTHING.

that-time-wonder-woman-needed-to-bite-through-her-gag-so-she-could-perform-fellatio

That time that Diana needed to bite through her gag so she could perform fellatio….obvs.

that-time-that-tony-stark-and-steve-rogers-got-a-little-too-real-about-their-needs

That time that Tony Stark and Steve Rogers got a little too real about their needs.

that-time-that-this-bitch-had-her-priorities-in-order

That time this Bitch had her motherfucking priorities in order.

that-time-that-robin-obviously-had-blown-batman-so-well-that-bruce-was-finding-it-difficult-to-stand-up

That time that Robin had blown Batman so well that Batman was having trouble standing up after the devastatingly life altering orgasm.

that-time-that-superman-needed-his-daddy-to-punish-him

That time that Superman just NEEDED his Daddy to punish him….I mean we’ve all been there, right?

that-time-that-hecules-had-no-qualms-about-living-up-to-his-reputation

That time that Hercules had not qualms about living up to his reputation.

beautyandthebeast_wrap1

That time that Dazzler stood in the rain while feeling Hank McCoy’s nipples after having finally been won over by his teddy-bearish charm.

that-time-that-superman-had-big-plans-for-jimmy-olsen

That time, after the roofies kicked in, that Superman had big plans for Jimmy Olsen.

that-time-that-hawkeye-was-a-total-being-a-total-pussy-about-tigras-pussy

That time that Hawkeye was a total pussy about Tigra’s pussy.

 

that-time-that-batman-failed-to-understand-how-consensual-age-appropriate-s-and-m-works

That time that Batman failed to understand how consensual, age-appropriate S & M works.

that-time-that-batgirl-got-a-lot-more-than-she-bargained-for

That time that Batgirl got more than just a ride.

that-time-superman-got-a-bad-blowjob-and-then-tried-to-forget-it

That time that Superman got a very unsatisfactory blow job and then tried to block it out of his memory.

that-time-that-batman-would-have-needed-to-reevaluate-his-relationship-with-robin-is-he-could-have-read-minds

That time that Batman, had he been able to read minds, might have considered reevaluating his relationship with the Boy Wonder.

that-time-that-green-lantern-and-green-arrow-got-super-intimate-but-then-had-to-worry-about-the-consequences

That time that the Green Lantern and Green Arrow totally had sex but then had to deal with the consequences of their actions.

that-time-that-robins-leather-thong-had-batmans-teeth-marks-all-over-it

That time that Robin’s leather thong had Batman’s teeth marks all over it.

that-time-that-robin-got-arrested-for-indecent-exposre-4-minutes-after-this-panel-was-drawn

That time that Robin was arrested for indecent exposure about 4 minutes after this panel was drawn.

that-time-that-red-skull-really-struck-a-nerve-with-cap

That time that Red Skull really struck a nerve with Cap.

that-time-that-mr-fantastic-was-super-fucking-sexist-on-multiple-levels

That time that Mister Fantastic was super fucking sexist on multiple levels.

that-time-that-ironman-wanted-to-play-rough

That time that Ironman wanted to play ROUGH.

that-time-that-comissioner-gordon-was-concerned-about-robins-ability-to-handle-a-boner

That time that Commissioner Gordon was concerned about Robin’s ability to take a boner….he really shouldn’t have worried.

that-time-that_oh-sweet-god-in-heaven-what-white-nonsense-is-this

That time that Captain Marvel…OH SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN, what white nonsense is this?!?

that-time-this-chick-gave-it-to-her-moms-straight-about-her-love-of-the-d

That time that this Chick gave it to her moms straight about her love of the D.

that-time-when-the-hulk-was-just-too-much-for-ironman-to-take

That time that the Hulk was just too much for Ironman to take.

that-time-that-we-totally-knew-what-hecules-and-quicksilver-were-thinking

That time that we knew exactly what Hercules and Quicksilver were thinking.

that-time-that-superman-violently-ass_raped-santa

That time that Superman violently ass-raped Santa Claus.

that-time-that-robin-finally-figured-out-that-shit-was-super-awkward

That time that Robin finally figured out that shit between him and Bruce was starting to get SUPER awkward.

what-the-shit-is-this-nonsense

That time that Robin wasn’t quite sure how to handle it.

tom-and-the-bear

That time that Batman just sat on his fat ass in the next panel while a guy named Tom got sexually assaulted by a bear. Tom had to marry that bear.

that-time-batman-was-a-one-smooth-motherfucker

That time that Bruce Wayne was one smooth Motherfucker.

that-time-that-these-three-were-clearly-compensating-for-somethig

That time that these three were clearly compensating for something.

that-time-the-boy-woner-tried-tried-eating-ass-but-did-not-realize-you-had-to-take-off-the-pants-first

That time that Robin decided to try eating ass but did not realize that it works much better with the clothes off.

wow

That time that….you know what, this needs nothing from me that it does not already have on its own. Just….WOW!

that-time-those-bandits-used-a-vibrator-on-superman

That time that bandits tried to destroy Superman with a vibrator.

beautyandthebeast_bonuspanel

That time that Dazzler apparently got raped by Beast.

that-time-that-the-green-lantern-had-his-work-cut-out-for-him

That time that the Green Lantern had his work cut out for him.