Otter Von Bismark!

The other night, well after my son had been put to bed but long before we stopped hearing the sounds of what I can only assume are the 17 pygmy hippos he lets climb into his bedroom window shortly after I bid him goodnight and shut his bedroom door we heard the sounds of Bo’s door opening and the thunderous rush of his footfalls as he bounded down the stairs to our room. When he arrived he was holding a heretofore anonymous stuffed otter and wanted to tell us very much that he had thought of the perfect name for the otter! At which point Josh popped up and said “Is it Otter Von Bismark?” which is basically the MOST PERFECT NAME FOR AN OTTER EVER!!! Sadly is was not Otter Von Bismark and honestly we kind of let the steam out of Bo’s enthusiasm with our uncontrollable tittering.

Bo had decided to name the Otter Sammy…which is a perfectly fine name for an otter. It’s just not Otter Von Bismark. I fully plan on purchasing a taxidermy Otter now, just so I can dress him up in a little white Franco-Prussian military uniform and a gold sash. I will even get Otter Von Bismark his own miniature Pickelhaube! Until then, I made a picture of Otter Von Bismark.

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And Here’a another one. Although the World War One era plane is an anachronism as Bismark died in 1898…but he was also not really an otter.

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I think his scarf makes him look regal! Totally fucking majestic! XOXO

Another Day, Another Death Threat…also UNICORNS!

So, on Tuesday I wrote about how I was upset about a gruesome murder that took the life of a woman from my city over the weekend….and people lost their damn minds! It was probably because I said “fuck” a lot, like even for me, and in the title. I may have suggested that some people could go fuck themselves. But if I had only known that all I had to do was use the word “fuck” in the title of a post to get over 5,000 views in the matter of a few hours I would have been doing it…much more often than I currently do.

But, of course, the more people who actually read your blog the more people you are likely to piss off….which is what I love most about being a writer. On Tuesday I wrote a post that addressed the idea that a social “safe space” is kind of a fucking joke. I also said some  things about people’s attempts to “regulate hate speech” within these “safe spaces”. People were very unhappy with this. Which is kind of ironic, someone getting all freaked out about one stupid person’s opinion (yes, you read that correctly) when aren’t what we are all (when I say “we all” I am kind of confused as to who is lumped into that anymore but let’s go with a vague outline of peaceful, progressive, intelligent humans who want to work toward a just and ultimately free world where all lives are valued and respected equally under the eyes of the law…now, doesn’t that sound nice?) working for is a place where ideas and ideals can be expressed freely without fear of legal or custodial retribution? But here’s the thing, about regulating speech, any kind of speech; it’s a slippery motherfucking slope!

Do I wish people were not dicks? Yes. Do I wish everyone knew that some shit, you just don’t fucking say? Of course, naturally. It would be nice if all us folks could get together in our collective unconscious and have a meeting where we hand out leaflets telling everyone all over the world that we don’t hate on women or homosexuals or transgendered or poor people or people that happen to have a different skin tone or religion than we do. That would be super, and I get that there are people who ARE out there doing this work every day and they deserve credit and probably a trip to Dairy Queen for a delicious Blizzard treat because that is goddamn hard, unending and merciless work, but to not address that the liberal ideal (and, yes, I am a liberal…like a motherfucker) might be a two-edged sword is just willfully ignorant. Sometimes when you’ve been fighting so hard for so long for what you feel is right, the rhetoric of battle can become skewed along the way.

Basically, what I have realized about some people who favor the official or legal regulation of speech is that they are kind of narrow-minded. Several of the people who told me they favored things like “safe spaces” were the same people saying that they “would want to kill me” for saying that I thought “safe spaces” were kind of bullshit. Does that seem a little counterintuitive to anyone else? The same person who thinks that we should all be able to go through life without ever having to be offended or uncomfortable or feel threatened or ever having to hear anything with which we might disagree is the same person saying they want to “kill me”!?!?! I mean, WTF? Seriously, WHAT. THE. FUCK.

But you know what, while threats do not fall under the guise of “protected speech” I think that the person who said those things was angry about their beliefs being called to the carpet and I respect their passion. I realize not everyone would view things as diplomatically. That’s probably why we have “safe spaces” but let me elaborate on that; if we are never made to feel uncomfortable, never made to confront what is different, never made to argue for what we believe is right, never forced to face adversity of any kind then why would we work to change anything? If every space is a safe space, what would motivate us to progress? Do you really want everyone in the room to agree with you 100% of the time about everything? I sure as hell don’t…but then again I rarely have to worry about that’s happening.

Thanks for reading, and, in the interest of making people feel safe and happy and just as precious as the special little snowflakes that you all are HERE are 29 pictures of majestic fucking unicorns! Also, in my safe space, everyone will have a sense of fucking humor and not take themselves so goddamn seriously! XOXO

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Hey kids, it’s the “Last Unicorn” Unicorn! 

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Yes, it has wings but it also has a horn and therefor, technically, still a Unicorn….Pegacorn? 

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This one is galloping straight into your heart…and not at all in a stabby way. 

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So majestic! 

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So fucking majestic! 

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The only thing I resent my son for (other than the obvious things all parents resent their children for) is that he said he did not like this movie….we’re working through it. 

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Majesty like a motherfucker! 

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This one was taken in my backyard

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This speaks to me on deep, personal and emotional levels that only Batman riding a robotic unicorn amongst a pod of dolphins could ever reach. 

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This one too, also taken in my backyard…to be fair I might be a pathological liar. 

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MERMAID!!! 

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Ooooh! Purdy! 

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Don’t anyone say that I failed to represent diversity among unicorns.

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So Fancy! 

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Okay, this one is legit, kind of creepy.

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Like Jell-O and patriarchy, there is always room for Lisa Frank! 

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Is that a rainbow samurai sheep riding a rainbow maned unicorn into sparkly battle? Why yes, friends, that is exactly what that is! 

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Old School unicorn action

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This one is off the charts with majesty! 

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Raibow? Check! Sunset? Check! Unicorn? check! Majestic? You bet your ass!

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I, no joke, had this as a huge poster-size framed print on my wall in my childhood bedroom. Did I mention that my walls were painted pink? At my request, nay, may insistence!

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There is nothing that I could say that add the this perfection! 

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I WANT IT!!! 

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I think the best part of this one is the eagle. 

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This pony is all full of lightning!

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Majestic-ing so fucking hard! 

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Damnit! Now I have to go buy felt! 

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D’aw! 

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Hey! How’d that get in here? 

 

Fuck Your “Safe Space”

No seriously! Fuck your fucking trigger warnings and your fucking “safe spaces” because they are a fucking illusion! Your safe space, ANY safe space does not fucking exist!

Last weekend a woman from my neighborhood, a single mother of three, went on a date with man she met online. They went to a baseball game and then later that night she ended up hacked into pieces and thrown into someone’s recycle bin in the fucking Central District. How ’bout you stick that in your fucking safe space!

THIS, This, this is the reality of being a woman, being a human, that there REALLY is no safe space. There is no escape from the darkness. No escape from reality, not really, because even if you’ve created the perfect physical space where no one uses bad words, no one ever says anything offensive, no one treats anyone with disrespect, no one is violent, no one even talks about violence, no one has to do, see, say or experience anything that makes them uncomfortable, well, you could still get swallowed up by an earthquake or mowed down by a hail of bullets in yet another random, mass shooting.

Safety is just an idea, an illusion, a concept that exists in our heads so that we can still have hope. Hope, however, is the only honest thing left in this world. It’s when hope is gone that none of us will be safe.

You can spend your time trying to get people to use the right words so that no one is ever “offended” or “made to feel uncomfortable” but at the end of the day none of us can protect anyone from reality, from evil, from each other. All we can do is hope….and love one another as much as possible because you never know when you won’t wake up, when the earth will reach up an take you where you stand, when you’ll end up in pieces in a fucking garbage can.

Can we stop all trying to be social justice warriors and just start being good to each other? Listen kids, you’re gonna see some shit and hear some shit and experience some shit in this life that is going to offend you, make you sad, make you angry, make you fall, make you scared, make you uncomfortable, make you cry, make you want to scream, make you want to change things but life cannot be censored*. It just is.

I tell this story sometimes when people talk about not wanting to be “offended” (which by the way, go fuck yourself….oh, sorry, was that offensive? Just kidding, I totally know it was and I also don’t give a fat shit!) because life does not care about your delicate sensibilities; one time I parked downtown on Second Ave. and was getting out of my car to go to the record store when I looked down the street and saw a man, a clearly mentally handicapped man, standing next to a building where its corner met a parking lot, looking out towards the street while violently masturbating. Would I have preferred not to have seen that? Abso-fucking-lutely! Was I offended by this? Yes. Did it make me feel uncomfortable? Definitely. But no amount of “safe spaces” or “trigger warnings” or “regulating hate speech” could have saved me from having to see that. It just was. Here was a man, who probably did not know any better (or did and just didn’t give a shit), just doing what felt good to him…and no amount of telling him that people would be “offended” by his behavior was going to change his behavior.

But hey, I consider myself very lucky. I am still here. I am not chopped into pieces and tossed into the trash like this man, this monster, who carried out this horrible act would have Ingrid Lyne believe she was. She was not trash. She was a human, a mother, a woman and now she is not here anymore. And I am extremely uncomfortable with this story, this narrative offends me so much, it is beyond the telling. But if we shy away from telling these stories because they are horrible, violent, sad and they make us feel like we will never be safe, then we can just forget about hope. Hope in the face of nightmares is the only thing that will wake us. Hope is truth. Hope is what will carry us forward.

Here’s a link to the fundraising page for Ingrid Lyne’s daughters who are now without their mother. It’s official, the real deal, I checked it out. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. XOXO
Also, I did not edit this so if you want to point out typos feel free, just know that I will tell you to go fuck yourself….just try not to do it in the middle of Second Ave. Cool?

Here’s this in case you weren’t already bummed out enough:

*and don’t think for one second that’s not what everyone out there who is trying to “regulate hate speech” is doing. It’s just censorship that got too far up its own ass to be seen for what it really is.

Dear Santa, THESE!!!

So, a few weeks back I was at Target, in the toy section because I have a 5 year old boy and taking him to Target to look at toys is basically what we do for entertainment and a lot cheaper than taking him to the zoo or Tutta Bella or the bookstore…until we start buying things, that is. Even then, we can usually get out of Target for under $30.00 (in toys anyway) and when’s the last time anyone could say that about the zoo. In any case I was wandering the toy aisles when I stopped at an end-cap display and was nearly…okay, actually moved to tears by what I saw!

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This is not the actual display I saw but nearly identical. I was too busy weeping to snap a pic.

That’s right folks! It was an entire line of DC Superhero (yeah, we’ll talk about how we are using that term loosely when applying it to characters like Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy) dolls, costumes, toy weapons and play sets featuring all female comic book characters!!!! Where was this when I was a child (granted I did have my She-ra, Princess of Power doll) …or even like 5 years ago because I would have been all over this shit! I wanted to buy every single one of them, skip all the way home, gleefully tear open their packages and spend hours playing with them, imagining and acting out all the scenarios in which they would kick ass, rescue Batman, Robin and Superman, I would swap their clothes, beat up the bad guys with their weapons, and find them each the perfect Breyer Horse on which to off ride into the sunset…but I did not do that. Not only did I get rid of my Breyer Horse collection like 15 years ago but I am an adult (or at least attempting to masquerade as one) and when adults spend $150.00 on dolls their spouses are usually not pleased and even less pleased when you spend hours on the floor playing with the aforementioned dolls that were formerly the money that was going to pay the car payment when you are supposed to making dinner or doing your taxes or replacing the car tabs or whatever bullshit adult task you were avoiding while you were playing with your AWESOME NEW DOLLS!!!dolls

Fuck being an adult…who never gets to play with dolls! And no, playing with my son’s action figures, while they are totally awesome and fun, does NOT count. Plus, having to share things with him is a total fucking bummer. He commandeers all my favorite stuffies too! The nerve of that kid….I swear!

Perhaps the most encouraging thing about the display, that I noticed through my tears, was that it was not in the “Girl” section. I wasn’t even near the “Girl” section whose pink you can practically feel radiating off it when you walk by. It was an end-cap display right off the aisle where you find the seasonal and outdoor toys and the last aisle of what would be considered “Boy” toys that housed a bunch of Star Wars toys, Transformers, and some Batman V. Superman movie themed toys. It was just there, waiting to be noticed. And it was noticed. While I stood there, once again, crying in the middle of Target I saw two other moms come up to the display and snap pictures. One of them even turned to me, with a look of understanding that basically said she wanted to come stand next to me and shake her angry, white fist at the patriarchy while singing Helen Reddy songs. We totally shared a moment.

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The other really encouraging thing about the display is that when I went back to Target, like a week and half later, they were nearly all gone! The display was practically empty! I even checked the “Girl” aisle in case they were moving them or something….not because I was totally going to buy myself Poison Ivy or Batgirl and/or maybe Harley Quinn, I was definitely NOT going to do that with part of the grocery money, because that would be totally irresponsible! The only doll left was Bumblebee, 3 lonely Bumblebees, just hanging out, waiting to inspire some young woman to greatness! And no, I don’t think the reason only Bumblebee was left has anything to do with the color of her skin (although it could be that I am just choosing to be willfully ignorant in this particular case because I am already too bummed from not getting a doll to think about the systemic and endemic racism in our country and would rather just put this whole experience in the feminist win column). I think it has more to do with the fact that Doom Patrol and Teen Titans just weren’t that popular and Bumblebee has never has her own series of books….until, of course, the introduction of the DC Superhero Girls at New York City Comic Con last October!

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Now, all these cool chicks have their own books, web series, app, games, dolls, action figures (yes, there is a difference) and are basically taking the world by storm! This almost makes up for DC Comics saying, back in 2011, that “no one would watch a Wonder Woman movie”. And sadly, if they still let Zack Snyder direct it, they’ll probably be right. But alas, Zack Snyder can’t hit the mark every time….it’s not like Christopher Nolan or something, but I digress…no, I really do…because usually after saying that people keep on talking. I’m not going to do that. Okay?

Alright, I lied. I am going to keep talking about how badly I want one of these dolls and how they are much cooler than DC and Mattel’s previous pairing back in 2008.

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While there’s nothing really wrong with these DC Barbies, other than the fact that they are Barbies, they seem like more collector’s items to me than something that would inspire adventurous and imaginative play for young girls. Don’t get me wrong. If I saw these on the shelf at Target today I would totally buy every last one (because how HOT is Black Canary over there?) but I would take them home, take them out of their boxes and then put them up on the shelf in my office (which at this point is imaginary…both the shelf and the office…because my “office” is just a room full of boxes that I have been too lazy to unpack for 6 months) and look at them, because they are cool and pretty to look at but not much good for anything beyond that.

I think we should all try to inspire young women to be more and do more and if seeing someone like Harley Quinn (who I guess now gets a “Superhero” pass because of Suicide Squad) who is mentally and emotionally unstable and in an abusive relationship with a criminally insane thug get her own doll, well, then I think that means any of us can do anything she wants!!! Yay for Democracy! But, sincerely, thanks to DC and Mattel for putting out these dolls, books, games and videos; they’re just really, really cool!

And thank you guys for hanging out with me, you mean the world to me! XOXO