The Lament of the Fancy Hamster

Several weeks back I was out on a date…with my five-year-old son, who is pretty much an excellent date because we always do whatever I want and there’s never that awkward moment where both of you reach for the check and you have to pretend like you actually want to pay for shit, but admittedly that’s mostly because we shoplift whenever possible.

First we went to Starbucks because I had gift cards and you can bet your sweet buns that my broke ass does not go to Starbucks unless someone else is paying for it…or maybe if it were a rioting/looting kind of situation but even then I would probably go to the jewelry store (higher black market resale value) or the bookstore (I am an enormous nerd) before I went to Starbucks but I guess if I got really thirsty after all the looting and rioting I would definitely go to Starbucks to loot some passion tea lemonade  and a couple of those petite vanilla bean scones or something because I am certainly not going to loot a small, independently owned coffee shop because, obviously, I have morals!

At Starbucks Bo had his usual, hot chocolate (where are we on needlessly abbreviating hot chocolate to HoCho ala FroYo? Let’s make it a thing!) and a heated croissant and I mine; iced americano, black. After Starbucks we decided to go to Uwajimaya because I thought it might be fun to look at live crabs and squid and origami sets and the dead eyes of so many Hello Kitties. But as we walked across the shopping center towards Uwajimaya we were sidetracked by Blue Sierra Pet Store!!! And it was the best thing EVER!!!!

It was basically like going to the Zoo except so much more awesome. Right when we walked in the first thing we see are BUNNIES! BUNNIES EVERYWHERE!!!! And as if that weren’t enough a nice young lady comes up and asks “Would you like to hold one of the bunnies?” and I’m like “FUCK YES, I WANNA HOLD ONE!” Except I didn’t say that, not out loud anyway but I said it with every vibrating cell in body. So within 12 seconds of walking into this place I was being handed adorable, fluffy bunnies….and I was HOME! After bunny fondling time was over (and admittedly I went back several more times because I had to try out ALL the bunnies…or at least the amiable ones that would have me) we went to look at the aquarium section wherein Bo loudly declared that everything we saw was either an electric eel or a “mutant megalodon shark” and while I am certain we did not see a mutant or even a non-mutant megalodon shark they legit had a motherfucking electric eel and I almost peed my pants! I was super excited about it….I think Bo was marginally unimpressed, which can happen sometimes when you meet your heroes and they don’t live up to your expectations.

What Bo WAS super excited about were the tarantulas. Like I said, this was several many weeks ago when he was super obsessed with this movie he found on Netflix (while surfing around unsupervised because, obviously, I am a horrible parent) called “Big Ass Spider”. Luckily he cannot read and I convinced him that the name of the movie was “Big Ol’ Spider”. The movie is one of those cheesy made-for-SyFy Channel type things like “Dino-Croc” or “Octoprechaun” (some say it’s half Leprechaun half octopus…others say it’s more of a 70/30 split), or “Vampodile” (clearly about a vampiric crocodile who is also GIANT and probably a robot, of course) or “The Hunt for the Mutant Weresquid” (which I would TOTALLY watch the shit out of if someone were to actually make) or (this is the last one, I swear) “Frankenweasel”. In any case, I watched this movie with Bo (despite my keen, irrational and downright psychotic fear of spiders) and it was pretty good. It had some gross but mostly cartoonish violence in it, what with the giant Black Widow rampaging through downtown L.A., stabbing people with its legs and ensnaring them in its sticky web, no language (that he doesn’t regularly hear at home), no nudity and it was actually pretty funny so I let him watch it and, predictably, it became the ONLY thing he wanted to watch for a solid 3 weeks. He became enthralled with spiders which led to my getting him a bunch of books on spiders which I then had to force myself to read to him. But through Bo’s infatuation I was able to relax a little on the spider issue; it became easier for me to look at pictures of spiders and my formerly unreasonable phobia was tempering…slightly.

Walking around the pet store and unwittingly wandering into one particular corner only to realize that you are actually surrounded by tarantulas was NOT making me feel all that reasonable regarding my phobia but I played it cool. I wanted to run the other way whilst doing that thing where all your limbs shake, you wildly flail your arms about your head clawing at your hair and skin, screaming “GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!”. But I did not do that. I lifted Bo up so he could see into all the little terrariums and check out all the spiders. He thought it was all pretty cool for about 3 minutes which is as long as he can sustain enthusiasm for any one thing.

After looking at the spiders I went back to the bunny area because I needed a fluffy bunny palate cleanser. Then it was on to the rodents and that’s where I saw this:

FANCY HAMPSTER

Sorry about the shitty picture. I did not have my picture-taking phone on me at the time, just my phone that can actually make calls….at least when I pay the bill.

As one might imagine, I got pretty excited when I saw this, but as I peered into the hamster enclosure all I saw was a regular hamster. There was literally NOTHING fancy about him (or her, I didn’t check). But honestly, how does one differentiate fancy hamsters from those that are non-fancy? This was a question I pondered well into that evening. Bottom line, when someone tells me a hamster is “fancy” there are a few things I expect to see so I made an example of what I think a “Fancy Hamster” should look like. See below:

The Fanciest of Hamsters

THIS, THIS IS WHAT I EXPECT when promised a “fancy hamster”! A hamster wearing a red, velvet cape, bowtie, monacle and top hat, sipping brandy and posing with his fancy walking stick and his prize-winning thoroughbred racehorse, Princess Butterscotch Mittenhaus III, next to an open box of Cohibas and a bottle of the world’s most expensive champagne while the library of the Hearst Castle! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!? I think not!

Undoubtedly, THAT is the fanciest of hamsters. They did not have any like this one at the pet store, presumably because he kept spilling his snifter of brandy every time he tried to take in onto his gilded hamster wheel and his miniature Cohibas and Armand de Brignac kept getting stolen from his cage and they could not afford to keep replacing them because Cohibas and Armand de Brignac are super expensive, even when they are hamster-sized.

All in all, despite the tarantulas and dearth of fanciness in the hamster department, Bo and I had a lovely time at the pet store and we cannot wait to go back…and save the $14.00 they charge you to get into the goddamn zoo these days! Also, I cannot remember that last time I went to the zoo and someone just handed me a bunny rabbit, SO THERE ZOO! SUCK IT!!!

I wanted to leave you with this. This is the opening 130 seconds of “Big Ass Spider” set to Storm Large’s cover of the Pixie’s “Where is my Mind” and it is motherfucking SUBLIME! Enjoy! XOXO

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “The Lament of the Fancy Hamster

  1. I think you and your son should watch; “Idiocracy”. He’s young but he might enjoy the lunacy of it. You, might find a direct correlation between, what is happening in the world and the movie.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s