I figured we all (an by “we all” I mean me) could use a break from all the “my Dad’s dead” monotony, plus I wrote this right before I got the first call from the hospital so I pretty much did not have to do anything which is how I like things. Enjoy!
So (drink), in my other life I am a graphic designer which makes me sound more important or more educated or more grown up than I actually am. In reality I make ads for newspapers which is actually a lot of fun. I get to play with art and make things and play with typography and really what more could an artsy, word-loving, font nerd want out of life? More money, that’s what….but that is not my point although I do totally have one, I swear.
In our various peregrinations as graphic artists we look at a ton of art, stock photography, vector images, clipart etc. each and every day. And sometimes we find exactly what we are looking for and other times we find so much more than we set out to find! Which is why I decided to make a special folder at work, on one of our servers, where the whole creative team in my office could drop pictures they found that were more curiosity than anything else: Images so horrifying, poorly executed, head-scratchingly vexing, and downright ugly that they defy reason and imagination! I made a “Horrible Stock Art” folder and, if I ever get off my lazy ass, am totally going to make a Tumblr out of all the terrifying things in there. The best part is that with 16 artist working in one creative hub, new stuff gets downloaded every day!
In the meantime I decided it would be fun to share some of the images here!
*Crowd Roars*
So here are some of them in all their bizarre, tacky, irrelevant glory! Enjoy!
Admittedly, when I first looked at this I thought it was a real person just wearing a super creepy mask but no, it’s a statue…smoking a cigar, because why the fuck not!
You should see the picture of him before meth.
It’s called “presenting”.
Is he smelling her crotch?
I have no words… I really don’t. Or maybe I am just saving them for a worse picture than this one, if that is at all possible.
HOLY FUCK! Is that a discman?
I know this is supposed to look like Martha Graham but it kind of just looks like the wax statue of an awkward Carol Burnett in the process of melting.
This monk knows how to jam out…either that or he’s putting out an imaginary fire.
I call ’em like I see ’em…and here I see a scary drag queen clown ballerino.
“LOOK MOM! I made this for you in Paint!”
I have no idea for what scenario this image would be appropriate.
And here we have a headless man romancing an anthropomorphic female car!
And this is a ballerina and her tremendously severe case of bells palsy.
????
This WILL hurt a bit.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
#ThugLife
Now THAT is my kind of Doctor!
And you thought YOUR kidney stones were a bitch!
A one-eyed butcher or blackjack dealer flashing “East Side” while listening to an abacus.
I am super confused right now.
NOM NOM NOM!
This seems like a perfectly reasonable thing although, if she still has beer left why has she already switched to gasoline?
This baby looks exactly like Vic Mackey!
THE FUTURE IS CORN!!!
I have never felt this much pity for a snowman before. Everyone knows the pointy end of the carrot faces out! What the fuck is wrong with society?
This bitch is all, “Yep, I killed him! What the fuck are you going to do about it?”
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP LOOKING AT ME!
I have so many questions: what did that fish ever do to her? Why is she so happy about killing that fish and probably losing a digit in the process? Is that Bridget Fonda? Is she cosplaying “Reservoir Dogs”?
“Join us for the further adventures of Drunk Baby! In his next adventure he gets taken away by CPS!”
Is that supposed to be Death or Jesus? I legitimately want to know the answer to this.
This baby LOVES rat poison and also looks like River Phoenix from “Stand By Me”.
Mommy’s little arsonist!
Okay, I supposed this could be explained if he were a mayor and his last name was actually Princess.
I am not sure why this doctor has a shrunken head…either that or he’s borrowed the suit that David Byrne wore in “Stop Making Sense”. And for the love of all that is holy, please put down the Goddamn baby and walk away slowly!
“Oh-Em-Gee, Guys! Look how much fun we’re having! Or at least that’s how it will look when I post this to Instagram!” Also, one of those dudes is getting REAL lucky this new year’s eve. Also, also it just occurred to me that those people are probably all related, or at least were all made in the same factory…you know, the one that made Taylor Swift.
Man’s thought: “I am plotting your eventual murder.” Woman’s thought: “There’s just no ‘right time’ to tell him he’s not the father.”
Deer God!
THIS! This makes me super uncomfortable. It’s just so creepy on so many levels; she’s clearly supposed to be his daughter but he is awkwardly embracing her mid-section as if she were pregnant with his child….also, she’s like 10.
It says “Sick Cookie” (which, on its own totally makes perfect sense, right?) but all I see is a sick meatball.
Okay, this actually seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do….for those of us who would like to have a constant supply of cake in our bed, right next to our mouth.
Ladies and Gentlemen, in this evening’s performance Baby New Year will be played by Ralph Kramden!
Okay, presumably if you are looking through stock images to place in advertisements you are an artist and as an artist you would clearly know that this, as art, is a steaming pile of shit.
Caesar Cruz once said that “art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable”. Frankly I am not sure which of those I started out as but I am definitely disturbed now and none of these are comforting me AT ALL!
What really blows my mind is not how much bizarre stock photography we find but how much really, truly awful artwork. Why, for the love of Jebus, would anyone whose job title included the word “artist” use something that looked like it was made by a moderately talented German Shepard using the 1985 version of Paintbrush Pro? Particularly when most of us could make something 30 times less crappy in a matter of minutes? I’ll tell you why, because laziness and we don’t get paid enough to care. I hope this made you laugh or at least wonder how someone could go their entire life without being taught how to properly assemble a snowman. XOXO
