Undignified Shit I Did This Week

I started this last year…on Dec. 29th, when a yearly wrap-up would have made sense but then I wandered off…I probably just got drunk and forgot. But lets say I was doing something really cool. I was totally trapped in a mine shaft with nothing but a Zippo lighter, a pack of chewing gum, my pet lemur and one of those giant plastic eggs that you get panty hose in, the panty hose, however, were long since gone. I will tell you the story of my daring escape sometime very soon (crosses fingers behind back). Enjoy!

I think this is when everyone is doing their yearly wrap-up; events occurred, lessons learned (HA!), milestones reached, goals achieved, but when I looked back on this year and thought about all the cool/dazzling/surprising/terrifying things that have happened to me I, in my limited wisdom, decided that remembering all that shit was too hard. So I am just gonna give you the broad strokes for the year and then move along to the more recent events….that I have yet to blackout.

Broad Strokes for 2015 = went to loony bin, got engaged, got a real job that pays me money (albeit not much) for doing something I enjoy, moved into a great house with my beautiful little family, am now sitting at computer writing this.

That being said, it was not a year without its merits. It’s just that I have already written about most of them (except for having my first square job, but believe me, we’ll get there…soon). So instead of a lengthy and all together useless reflection I give you, “Undignified Shit I Did This Week”. Okay, I know what you’re thinking; that should just be the title of every one of my posts. But sometimes I write about my abhorrent behavior from more than a week ago…SO THERE! So lets stop arguing semantics and get down to the proverbial brass tacks.

  1. Pulled a Hershey’s Kiss wrapper out of my bra. I have no idea how long it had been in there.
  2. Made a White Russian but had no cream so I just used Bailey’s which basically resulted in a giant glass of booze, which I then drank….two of….and totally would have gone back for a third had I not been swept deftly away from family Christmas by my sober better half. Thanks Honey!!!
  3. Drank 30 year old scotch….from the bottle. Frankly, there was just a nip left and it didn’t seem worth dirtying a glass for that much scotch. Plus, there were no clean glasses.
  4. Ate Pop Tarts (in the interest of full disclosure they were generic “Pop Tarts” from Grocery Outlet called “America’s Choice Toaster Pastries” and I feel very patriotic whilst eating them) for every meal of the day…for 3 days. Frankly it’s a wonder I don’t have diabetes…or scurvy. I think I have mange though, can humans get mange?
  5. Decided the line was too long at Fred Meyer. Stole groceries instead of waiting in line. This was really the best option as it saved me from having to write them a bad check anyway. Win win!
  6. Did not have tissue in the car, found an old sweater in the back seat, used that as tissue. It’s still in the car too. I haven’t removed it to have it washed like a normal, undisturbed human being.
  7. Decided that the best part of being an adult is that I can do all of those things, and while I remain profoundly unsuitable for decent society, at the end of the day, and each and every day, I am the only one who is responsible for my happiness. And if I can be happy being who I am then I guess I am doing an okay job.

Hey guys! Happy New Year, again! Love yourselves (not what I mean, you there in the back, get your hand out of your pants, this is not that kind of party), be awesome, make someone happy today even if it’s you! XOXO

 

 

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