Fun with Writer’s Block

Hey guys! What should I write about today?
*Holds hand up to ear….hears nothing but the sound of crickets*
Funny, that’s the same sound I hear when I ask myself that question.

Okay, so I just Googled “what should I write about today?” and, among other things, Google, in its infinite wisdom, suggested that I write about a recent travel experience. Well, I told Google to fuck off because it should know better; I am way too poor to travel anywhere! Google then went on to suggest that I write about…..I got distracted and wandered off and then I found this post titled “33 prompts to unlock new blog posts & stories that need to be told”. This seemed legit enough so I started to read down the list and it was when I got to this one that it started to feel more like a demented (even more demented than usual) game of Cards Against Humanity:

“If I gave people a secret glimpse into my ___________________, what they’d find inside is ___________________.”

This was followed shortly by:

“It’s not “fancy” or “special” or even that “unique,” but I suspect people would be really curious to take a peek at my ___________________.”

How is any normal human being supposed to take this seriously? I am certain that all my answers would include the word “panties”. In one instance coupled with the word “drawer”. It was then that I decided I should answer all 33 questions and then I wouldn’t have to figure out what to write about because I will have stolen someone else’s blog and let them do all the hard work for me because if there is one thing I am truly excellent at it is avoiding hard work! So here are 33 prompts to unlock…blah, blah, blah, whatever”! The underlined bits were the formerly blank parts that I filled in…all by myself!

For years, I’ve been saying, “I ought to write a book about how to stealthily sneak a flask into any event, concert, sporting arena, Mormon wedding Etc.”

I care deeply about helping people find their nipples.

I (secretly) want to write about Fraggles.

People are always asking me how I can look myself in the mirror everyday. (To them I say, “same as you but with much more style….and pills!”)

I wish people would ask me how to knit, because I don’t know how to knit and it would be a very short conversation which is good because I don’t care for most people.

I don’t know EVERYTHING about Fraggles, but I know enough to give somebody a considerable head start.

I don’t have anything particularly “innovative” to say. I just want to remind people that it’s OK to smell your finger after sticking it in your belly-button…or someone else’s belly-button. Just make sure you have their permission…to touch their belly-button because if you don’t shit could get unbearably awkward.

I don’t have anything “radical” to say. I just want to show people how to steal US postage and have fun doing it.

I have SO many great tips on how to avoid being a responsible adult.

I have THE funniest story about that one time I got drunk off moonshine (no joke) and woke up with my lower half submerged in a fish tank. Needless to say I was not invited back to the aquarium and instructed, in no uncertain terms, to “wear pants” when chaperoning my son’s field trips.

I know a TON about writing apology notes for my chronically inappropriate social behavior.

I really want to be known as an expert on trepanning.

I really want to be known as someone with a fresh twist on made up Scandinavian words.

I seriously believe the world would be a much better place if we could all just chill, smoke a joint, and play with legos.

I think people might be inspired by my story about the time my older brother held me down and smeared chocolate pudding on my face and made the dog lick it off. I don’t know why they would be inspired….I just have a good feeling about that one.

I will never, ever get tired of talking about Fraggles.

I’ve got a weird, inexplicable obsession with Fraggles.

I’ve got super-strong opinions about Fraggles…and feminism (two great tastes that taste weird together).

If a friend of mine was too afraid to go number two in a public restroom, what I’d want to tell him / her is “If you don’t go poo-poo in the potty the terrorists win.”

If a space discovery program asked me to write a short essay about “what it means to be human” — a message for alien races and future human generations to read — I’d tell the story about that one time I won some school award thingy in the second grade for being smart or a good artist or not chewing on the bones of the fallen on the playground and the prize was lunch at MacDonald’s ON A SCHOOL day with one of the teachers and when I ordered a 20 piece McNugget because why the fuck not, free lunch, and I just wanted to see if I could eat it all the teacher looked at me like I was something she had scraped off her shoe. In any event, 7 year old me could not finish a 20 piece McNugget (I have since honed my skills in this department) but four 7 year-olds definitely could. GO EAT A DICK, MRS. HURST!

If I gave people a secret glimpse into my panty drawer, what they’d find inside is panties….duh. What did you expect me to say? Something outrageously inappropriate? Well, I am not your puppet!

If there’s one recurring lesson in my life — one that I’ve learned over and over, in different ways — it’s definitely
no matter how hard you try you cannot outrun nudes posted to the internet.

It probably doesn’t “make sense” in terms of my business / career, but I’m just dying to write about my Breyer Horse collection….you totally thought I was gonna say Fraggles, didn’t you?

It’s not “fancy” or “special” or even that “unique,” but I suspect people would be really curious to take a peek at my panties.

Most people think that bonding with a protective polyp from the inside or your intestines is really complicated, but I know that it can be very rewarding. Honestly the hardest part is picking the name…Gary.

One thing I’m tired of seeing in the world is cops shooting black people….nothing funny here, just really fucking sick of that!

One thing that makes me absolutely sick is food poisoning…no really, it does.

One thing that I think is completely amazing — that everybody should know about! — is the Loch Ness monster and Cthulhu had a baby and it’s just a weird ball of fingers but it’s name is Dorothy.

The worst break-up / fight / conflict I ever experienced was when my favorite falafel place closed down and what I learned was that there was another falafel place like three blocks away.

When Spastic Deipnophobia happened to me, I felt so ashamed / alone / angry / frightened. I’d like to share that story, so that other people know they’re NOT alone.

When a friend of mine is in pain because of my poking them in the eye, what I want to tell him / her is that they were totally asking for it.

When my heart is breaking, what I wish somebody would tell me is it could be worse, you could be locked in a cage waiting for ISIS to set you on fire and run you over with a bulldozer…..too soon?

When I’m ready to leave this world, and my dearest friends surround my bedside and ask me, “Do you have any last words of advice? One last secret to share? A story to tell?” I’ll smile and tell them all about the gold I buried somewhere in the back yard but I cannot quite remember where so they will have to pretty much dig up the whole damn thing but in reality there isn’t any gold buried in the backyard, just a shoebox full of mad-libs where every blank is filled in with the word “poopy-doops”.

This concludes my almost 100% stolen blog post! I am truly a paragon of laziness!

Happy Fucking New Year!

This, along with various other overextended claims regarding my physical health and appearance, was to be my New Year’s Resolution! The reason I chose to begin bothering you people again as my new years resolution is because this was something I could totally do without leaving the house, putting down this glass of whiskey or putting on “real pants”. Because those are just things in which I have no interest.

I could make this the post where I explain to you why the site went dormant or what I have been up to in the interim but I am not going to do that. What I am going to say is, welcome to the new site, it is still in its infancy and will probably be going through some adjustments here and there. What happened to all the old posts? Well, luckily I was able to salvage the majority of them from the evil, devouring Server-Monsters at Just Host, and will be attempting to re-link everything I can.

I hope we can pick up where we left off. I hope that all of you are still out there. I hope to make you laugh every day. And I hope that this beautiful, strange, delinquent journey can continue for a long, long time.


ALSO, (drink) you should read the “about” page because I wasted all my funny on that today. See you tomorrow!!!!